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UCAS personal statement, need help!!!?

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I have done my first paragraph and I am very happy with it. I am now on my second paragraph and I am struggling. I have finished my first draft of it. Could you please find the time to read it and tell me what is wrong with it and how to make it better because I know it’s not good!!! please!!!

To help me gain insight into the world of teaching, I spent four full days in a peer support training class, and have been doing ongoing work experience in a primary school. Both these events have been a great help to my knowledge of teaching and I have taken away many skills from them both. Peer support training mainly helped me learn ways to ensure the class I have is comfortable with their peers. I have learnt how to efficiently deal with cases of bullying for example making sure the children know they can speak to there teacher or even a member of staff. My work experience in a primary school furthered my skills greatly. I learned independance in a teaching enviroment, through being allowed to take aside my own group consisting of around five children between the ages of five and six years old, and being able to learn the criteria in which was to be learned before the deadline, through this I also learned good time keeping which will be useful when studying primary education as it will allow me to be able to keep on top of my studies at a high standard. From working with the teacher, I have learnt to communicate well with her through discussing my day with the children and being able to discuss problems and how I resolved them, aswell as being able to take her advice and apply it. Through working in the classroom over a number of weeks I began looking at different areas of the primary school, such as pupils who have to attend learning support on a daily basis. I sat in with the learning support teacher where various different pupils attended and I began to see how greatly it helped them. Through certain writing books and reading activities on the schools laptop many pupills familiarised themselves with words which were extremely difficult for them to learn at first but with a thirty minute daily exercise with their learning support teacher there vocabulary grew and grew and there was a great improvement in their reading skills. I learned from this how to be patient with the pupills and use positive feedback to them to ensure there confidence in reading rises through time.


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